I'm an emotional wreck these days. Although you may see me as someone who's so happy with life, it doesn't always relate with how I truly feel inside.
When I was 21, I came upon a self-help book that aimed to help women who were nearing their 30s. In a heartbeat, I purchased the book and decided to give it to my sister-in-law who was turning 30 in a few days.
Before giving her the book, I read some pages. It told different short stories of women and their anxieties as they were nearing the big three-oh. Some of those anxieties included their career, family life, and being single.
Now that I have turned 30, I can't help but look back at this instance in my life. Like many of the women in the book, I have been going through some inner struggles that I can't seem to be at peace with.
Here are some of these random thoughts that I've been questioning for quite some time now:
- "Am I ever going to feel like my old self again?"
- "When will life feel like it's supposed to?"
- "Am I still beautiful?"
- "Where have my best friends gone?"
- "Is this what I'm meant to do?"
- "What have I been with my life?"
- "What are my accomplishments in life?"
- "Who am I, really?"
Most days, I don't recognize the person staring back at me whenever I look in the mirror. I know that it's me, or at least I try to convince myself that it's me-- the girl with the wider hips and a fuller belly.
But I can't help but wonder when did I start looking like this, my nose has even gotten wider by the second. It's quite disappointing since I used to have a dream. I used to be so sure of what I wanted in life. But now, none of those things fit me.
I feel stuck
Instead, I feel stuck; stuck in a job I'm so eager to move on from yet can't find something else that will be a better option. And if there's something else that comes along, I can't seem to fathom the idea of doing the same thing all over again.
But then again, I feel like I lost precious time. I'm no longer as proficient as I once was in my words. And I feel like everyone else has already gained so much recognition and success in the same field.
I feel inadequateI've been blogging on and off since 2010. I've deleted far too many blogs than I can count on both hands. But given my experience, I still have not found success as a blogger. I have never been recognized for an award or anything of that sort.
More recently, I was talking with a bunch of other bloggers that said this other blogger was "genuinely recommended" for his food blog. I felt heartbroken upon reading this because I, too, have a food blog that I've been trying to boost since 2013. He only started his blog in 2015 yet he has been able to build quite a following since he posts regularly and is so active on social media.
I have to commend him actually, because of his sociable skills. He is very talented in speaking with other people, especially business owners. Meanwhile, I prefer to stay silent and be an invisible critic. He frequents blogging events and even has high demands for the giveaways he receives from each event he goes to. On my end, I try to attend these events and only pick the ones that are really in tune to my blog.
So why am I comparing our blogs? Because people say he is a very credible blogger, whereas I have not obtained any recognition or compliment for what I'm doing. I feel like it's a very biased point since they don't really know what goes on behind the blog.
I don't feel beautifulEver since I turned 30 (and gained a few pounds), I have never heard someone give me a compliment. I've never heard someone say I looked pretty in the outfit I was wearing or that I was plainly beautiful.
This realization makes me question what had happened? Was it because I gained weight? Was it because I am now married? Do other women the same age as me still get these compliments? Is this something that other women feel when they turned 30?
These things make me wonder what I did wrong with my life. One minute I was being nominated on social media (Friendster days) as one of the hotties in our local city. The next, no one's even saying I'm beautiful.
Because of these things, I no longer feel beautiful. Whenever I look at myself in the mirror or see a photo of me, I always want to delete my face out. I can't recognize the girl staring back at me. I can't see myself in her. Have I been that way all along and was just disillusioned?
I feel invisible
Another thing that's been bothering me for quite some time now is that people don't see me. It feels like I'm invisible to people, including my relatives and close friends. It's been a while but I've been observing how my relatives treat me.
On Viber, we have this group where everyone sends in random stuff. But I've noticed that whenever it's my turn to share something, no one responds. It's like I'm invisible and all alone in the room.
This has been going on ever since my dad died around four years ago. I've always wondered why my relatives (from his side of the family) shut me out. It's as if I'm no longer part of the family just because my dad's no longer around. For years, I tried to give them the benefit of the doubt. But because it's been happening ever so often, the question has been bugging me already.
I feel alone
My friends don't even bother to ask me how I am. It's like the only time they'll get in touch with me is if I started a conversation with them.
When did it start becoming like this? They have their own set of friends now and I feel like I'm an outsider looking into their lives, partly still wanting to be included. I miss them so much but I feel like I'm just a nobody to them.
Am I invisible? Is my life not interesting enough anymore? Why don't I feel loved by the people who are supposed to be there? Do you care?
I have a voice and my own story to share. Are you listening?
Photo source: Pexels
More like this
Today is the birthday of legendary author and activist, Maya Angelou. For those who have not read any of her books, you're definitely missing a lot in your life. So in line with the iconic femme fatale's birthday, we have collected some of her best quotes that can help you with whatever you're dealing right now:
More like this
I am a 30-year old woman who got married back in 2015. My husband and I are two individuals who earn through our jobs. We enjoy spending time together--eating out and watching Netflix all day long.
Whenever I look at my husband, I find joy in knowing that I chose someone who's right for me. He's far from perfect but that's what I like most about him. Most of all, he supports me in all my endeavors-- whether it includes baking, starting a business, learning calligraphy, or even crocheting.
For my part, I would like to think that I'm a good wife to him since I make sure our household is clean, take care of the bills, handle our finances properly, and even cook dinner (on most days). I support him and all his interests.
I don't want children... at least not at this point in my life. Despite anyone thinking otherwise, it's something I really don't see for myself.
This is why I hate it when people assume they know me and say that we've been praying for a child. I've kept quiet about it for a while now but it's been a big burden for me.
I don't want to be pressured into thinking I need to have a child just because I'm married.
Marriage has always been out of the picture ever since I can remember. Unlike most women, I never dreamed of getting married at all. I never wanted to be tied down to one man for the rest of my life.
I always envisioned myself as an independent woman, someone who doesn't need a man to make decisions for her. But when I met my husband, things changed.
What made me decide to marry my husband was the fact that he respected me enough to let me follow my own dreams and desires. I knew he was the right one for me because he allowed me to be myself even when we were already engaged.
I am trying to live a healthy life by making wise choices.
I paid a visit to my OB-Gyne last year because I had not been getting regular periods. I knew I've always been irregular but last year was the worst my period has gotten.
Out of 12 months, I only had 1 month where I had my period. This prompted me to visit my doctor and finally see what was wrong.
After several tests, the doctor told me that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I had been diagnosed with the condition a few years ago but my new doctor confirmed that it was back.
Along with her diagnosis, she recommended I take some medication to help normalize my periods. She also recommended that I lose weight so I could be back to a healthy weight for my height.
It's been a few months since our visit to the doctor but still, my period has not come on its own. I have not lost a significant amount of weight too, despite the medication. Because of this, I have been planning to go to the gym so I could be healthy once again.
In addition to my doctor's diagnosis, I made my own decision to not try to have a baby right now so I could focus on reaching my ideal weight. Getting pregnant now would be risky for me since I was at risk of gestational diabetes. By following my own desire to lose weight, I know that I can at least try to have a healthy pregnancy when the time comes.
I don't have the time right now.
Call me selfish for saying that I don't have the time to be a mother right now. But I prefer that you call me being smart and rational.
Right now, my husband and I work in the same company. We earn just enough to get by with our daily life. Other than that, I am studying to be a digital marketer.
When I'm done putting on those hats, I still have to prepare our food at home and do other household chores. On top of that, I have to make sure that I spend enough quality time with my husband so that our relationship will be strong.
I can't help but thank God that I was blessed with a husband who's willing to help me with the household chores. While I'm the one who cooks our food, my husband washes the dishes when we're done. I'm tasked to clean the kitchen and the bathroom, while he cleans our bedroom.
Given the load of all these things, I no longer have the time or energy for anything else. I don't have the time right now to wake up in the middle of the night to try and figure out what a little human wants from me.
To be honest, kids are expensive.
Most of the mothers I know can attest that having a child is expensive. They are typically stay-at-home moms who rely on their husbands to bring in the money for their household.
Don't get me wrong. I admire stay-at-home mothers because it's something I don't think I can do. But really, we cannot afford to have a child right now.
My husband and I have been together for a total of three years. We started dating in 2014 and got married a year later. We are still doing our best to keep our finances afloat.
Instead of having a child, I would rather spend the money we earn on building memories together-- traveling, watching movies, and dining out. I know that it may sound selfish to some people but I want my husband and I to have enough time for each other before we bring another person into our household.
I don't want to live a life of regrets.
I don't want to be like one of those women who look back in their life and say that they regret not living their dreams. These women usually say they missed out on so many professional and personal opportunities when they were younger just because they decided to focus on their child.
I know that mothers do not have the liberty to entrust their child to someone else. But I don't want to regret not being able to do certain things just because I have a child to take care of.
You see, children come into our lives and by default, they make themselves our number one priority. As a mother, you have a natural instinct to care for your child and put him on top of everything else; even your own well-being.
If I had a child now, there's no way I would still be able to do the things I'm doing without sacrificing his welfare. If I were in the middle of an important task and he cried, I'd end up getting mad at the idea of potentially losing my career.
If I do things my way, I know that it's really something that I want and am ready for. When that time comes, I'll know that I won't regret having a child anymore.
My decision is-- I am not ready to be a mother at this time in my life. It's not because I'm afraid I wouldn't be a good mother, it's the fact that I would. I know I'd be a good mom and teach my child how to be a kind person; to follow his dreams just the way I did.
Maybe someday, I'll be ready to be a parent. That one day when my phone's photo stream will be full of baby pictures instead of the dishes I ate and places I want to go. That one day that I'll be looking at the mirror and be proud of the marks I endured during pregnancy. That one day when I'm ready to set aside my laptop and hold a child in my arms because he's crying out for me.
Sure, there's always the possibility that my decision will change. I don't know when or where that will be but it's always a possibility. I might even change my decision 10 minutes from now. But at least I know it's a decision I made and will be ready for.
My not wanting to have a child right now does not mean I'm selfish, confused, or ignorant. And by all means, it does not make me any less of a woman.
Image source: Pixabay
Image source: Pixabay